I was dealing with a devastating life blow. For a time, I shellacked the hell out of my physical, spiritual, mental self. I drank like a fish, I smoked till I could only feel neutrality- I could not bear for the longest time, anything remotely akin to who I truly was, because who I truly was...became shattered, shredded, in deep and dark turmoil and pain. My well of inspiration had run completely dry, not only could I not help myself, I could not even begin to help another, even my own children. This feeling finally offered a bit of awakening-"Hey! This is not me, this is a performance- I am acting out of pain and fear, I am afraid of more of the same. But my children, my kids...I see this same kind of performance." And thus, my journey began.
I write these things because I feel that some may think more of me than they do of themselves. Brother, I tell you- the best I can offer you is a hand as I climb too. But if I can offer the same grace that was offered to me, if it helps you out along the way, so be it. My reasoning here today- if you find yourself completely hidden by life's misfortunes, strip a layer or two. It is a frightening process, it is painful, and mean and a terribly, terribly vulnerable thing to do. But it is a process, meaning- not permanent, temporary...the first step, the first layer to be removed is often the most difficult. We are not ingrained permanently by misfortune, though I do believe we are stripped, layer upon layer- until we see the grain of who we are.
"...open up to love and pain,
Hand in hand- they always go,
Sorrow's end is where we grow"
The pain does translate deep lessons but the love...and there is much love everywhere, I hope you can at the very least take some hope from me here- will transform you.
Pretty deep stuff here today, perhaps the climb has started for me again...I have come to believe that none of us ascends truly, unless we all do. None of us fly so high without the wind. None of us can set the sail until the ocean beckons. And none of us, not one of us- can do it alone.
"...if any little word of ours
can make one life the brighter,
if any little song of ours-
can make one heart the lighter...
God help me speak that little word
And take our bit of singing,
And drop it in some lonely vale,
To set the echoes ringing."