shirk actually

Allerton Park

(This picture has nothing to do with this post- I just really like it.)

Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it.

The Talmud

Oh man. Just when I wanted to shrink a bit, shirk actually- from my responsibilities, I get a message like that quote. I tossed and turned last night, yes sirree- no peace for me. I worried about everything, seemingly all at once while laying in my bed just before snoozing. I say I'm going to sell the house (I am) I say I have so much to do (I do) I wonder if the kids will be alright (they will) I slipped a couple a thousand bucks to the local college for their tuition, leaving me feeling like a giant vacuum just sucked out my savings (it didn't...)

Needless worry or purposeful feelings? Heck if I know. Forward motion seems to be the ticket most needed now. I've had a week off of work due to the holidays, and by golly if I didn't mostly just eat out alot, put the cleaning and the packing and the going through on the back burner. I did hang out with the kids much of the time though. My gift of a Wii to the whole family hit the nail right on the head for get togethers where we actually get together and have fun. This is completely off the subject here, but- the Wii is a wondrous thing. It's cheap entertainment (comparatively speaking) and gets the old heart rate up. And it is not a benign apparatus, it really gets you moving and shaking and every muscle that hasn't been utilized in awhile gets a workout. I couldn't touch a controller for two days, how I ached!! Even when you're not participating, it's hilarious to watch the devotees swinging at the invisible tennis ball headed their way.

So, all and all a post of many colors here. I've noticed that my entries seem to be getting longer and longer. Is this a problem? "The long and winding road, that leads to your door...."(more like the long winded story.)

Oh well. Have a good one. Keep your chin up and your butt covered. Because nobody wants to see your southern exposure. Well, maybe it could be funny...if you just mooned somebody out of the clear blue. Maybe that is what I need, a full moon. I feel like howling.

Take care-

empty chairs

I watched a beautiful film a few nights ago...Broken Wings- by Nir Bergman. This is a little different, isn't it? I don't believe I've ever written a film review, but this one deserves a head's up.

It is a story about a family, an Israeli family- who, because of a tragedy lead a life of despair. All struggling, all doing their level best, all disconnected. The mother works and works and works some more, but to no avail. Her children feel deserted by her, her oldest daughter carries the weight of a mother, the eldest son loses his grip on reality, the youngest child- another daughter, cannot grow. And the youngest son is so angry- that he completely closes off. There are very few other characters focused on during the film, which seemingly represents a ghost like state even more so for this family. In and out of the day they go...further and further away from one another and life itself. "If it weren't for bad luck, they'd have no luck at all..." But an amazing thing happens. It has to do with a pool, a dive and... no water.

If this film does not fill you up with empathy, with hope for this family- well...check your pulse buddy. It doesn't have a "happy" ending, but truly...are there any endings in life that are happy? I won't spoil it, the ending...I'll just say it is a testament to bonds that cannot ever be broken.

Watch the film, but I'll warn you...it is subtitled. Now don't be a sissy...be enriched by this film. I give it five stars. For truth, for reality, for virtue- for making me feel comforted, in a way- by the love undeniably left flickering in the pitch black cave of their grief. (That word alone turns most people off, but...there is a lesson in this film that many of us miss- even a life with tiny bathrooms and night shifts and empty chairs- is still precious.)

Should you take my recommendation, let me know what you think. Take care-

The Young Pioneers

Speaking of the future in past posts, I thought it a good time to speak of my favorite future pioneers-my children and some of their accomplices. Now make sure you caught that last word- not accomplishments, but accomplices. Never will you hear me speak of my children as in perfection. After all...poor kids- look who their role model is.

First we have Emma, I haven't shed much light on that major source of light in my life. She no longer lives at home and isn't all that impressed by me exposing her personal history. But, I'm just going to take a shot here, knock down her walls a bit by writing about her. My eldest daughter is boisterous, loving, laughing, livid, lovely and crazy. Matter of fact- she herself says she has a "black belt in crazy." She is the kind of person that would bring life into a room , everyone present would be wondering if there had been a power surge- the room would remain lit up, even after her exit. It is hard to write about this dear, she is constantly evolving...hard to describe. Emma is a rush. Never a trickle but a full cascade. Bigger than life, this one. Imagine her journeys...

And now, drum roll please...Mathew. My son, my big, big boy. He wandered in today to show me his two new lip piercings. AAAARRRRGGGGHHH! And yet...whatever. It's your face sunshine...do what you want. My only negative comment was-"Are you sure that is employable?!" But...he also looked pretty trendy in a hip sort of way. He thought so too, and felt pretty cute about the whole thing. He is one smart cookie, too smart sometimes...and this lands him into deep conflicts with himself. He questions everything...I admire this trait and abhor it all at the same time. (Although, he may just be a chip off the old block.) Another comedian here...it's hard to stay mad at Mathew, he'll say something funny and I just have to leave the room...in peels of laughter (some times while pulling my hair out...)Mathew is a big ship in a little stream. He hasn't quite yet learned the tricky navigation to get down stream and out into the ocean...but there is no doubt in my mind, he will.

And then there's Lily- the artist, the activist, the hula hooping mediator. Lily is the last one at home...the youngest of four and finally getting her say. She speaks more so in hushed tones, drawing out statements from long thought out perspectives. She is reserved, but never shy- many make this mistake about her. Sometimes our conversations go like this," Ma- have you ever considered the deep cosmos and how they are ever changing but in a sense, due to the time extensions of the universe- slow and seemingly unchanging compared to the vast waves of change here on earth?" Me-"HUH?!" Talk about contemplating...she often has to explain her big sentences (as in broader views) in smaller words for her dear "Ma" as she calls me. We never have arguments, we have discussions. And she usually goes so far over my head that I then- rebel. "Oh yeah?! Well, um....your room is a mess, Missy. Go clean it." Trump baby, trump. Oh yeah-



My adopted boy, Eric- oh what a fine man. I took this boy to heart several years ago-never was I given a choice. My eldest son, Beau- would come home with little Eric tagging along. "Mom, he will always be here for supper on Sunday and part of this family, understand?" An ultimatum rarely given by my son- so of course I did understand. It meant that Beau had adopted Eric as a brother and we would respect and love him too. We do. Even after the Marine gig, the tours, always the visits home would include Beau first gathering up Eric and walking through the door, often together. And now, our Eric joins us always in light and dark and we love him and expect him to soar, as he "makes his dreams come true...and he decides the rest." (Besides, he's got Katie by his side...what more could a man want?! Kater-tot, a good woman and teacher too. Hint, hint....good woman, hard to come by mister.)



Now Beka is the last of the adoptees, well maybe not the last...but we took her to our heart often enough to be filled by her grace. Now, we overflow and can't keep it all to ourselves- yes sirreee, she taught us well. Oh, and soon- she'll be the teacher you hope your children get- the one that will remain in their hearts, even when their 90. Beka doesn't leave impressions so much as she leaves love every where...she's lovely and loving and kinder than most. But...I've seen her riled, oooohhh, don't get her ire up. When folks such as Beka, true through and through- get a little bent out of shape by the misdeeds of another who is not so true, just mean- well, it's kind of like a lightening storm, the strike is a humbling lesson. Yes, a teacher with integrity and a lofty spirit.



Kylee, always in my heart a daughter- her first child will be my grandchild- regardless. And her groom, a son in law- a friend and loving man. We could not have hoped for a better union of love...Matt was heaven sent.


Oh, and Miss Rhi- there is blood between us and love all around. I've known her since she was born- blond and blue eyed and ornery and sweet all at the same time. I don't get to spend as much time with her now that she's older and working and always busy. But when I do- she's like a little grasshopper, showing me constantly how she's grown, teaching me things I could not learn had it not been for her perspective and liveliness midst a family from the dark ages-Ha! I'm the black sheep of the family, only I don't deny it- the rest of the brood are all gathered like sheep and living in the year 1900. "Women are meant to breed, be quiet, wait on the menfolk...." AAARRRGGHHH- Can you imagine? My family thinks I am preposterous, "Who does that woman think she is?" Rhi always seemed to think there might be more to me....thought my company was beautiful. Although, we know we're loved- it's just like picking that love out of an English Walnut...having to reallllly work hard at it. One must have realllly thick skin and accept that Neanderthals are alive and well in our own family tree.

So- the young pioneers in my life are all so very fascinating, their interests lie in things that matter... love, kindness and a family that wasn't necessarily raised under the same roof, but feels like family all the same. In my teens, I was the tomboy girl who said I'd never have children. By the time I was 30, I had had my four beautiful babies. And I always wanted more...and I got them- love always creates. When I die, let them judge me by my company of friends...and family.

Be well and take care- oh! And remember- Children are the future, can we all agree to make it a brighter one for them? In all my life, always- it was a child who offered me the brightest potential, problems and joy. The memories I keep are the ones a child created with their sense of wonder and fairness.