empty chairs

I watched a beautiful film a few nights ago...Broken Wings- by Nir Bergman. This is a little different, isn't it? I don't believe I've ever written a film review, but this one deserves a head's up.

It is a story about a family, an Israeli family- who, because of a tragedy lead a life of despair. All struggling, all doing their level best, all disconnected. The mother works and works and works some more, but to no avail. Her children feel deserted by her, her oldest daughter carries the weight of a mother, the eldest son loses his grip on reality, the youngest child- another daughter, cannot grow. And the youngest son is so angry- that he completely closes off. There are very few other characters focused on during the film, which seemingly represents a ghost like state even more so for this family. In and out of the day they go...further and further away from one another and life itself. "If it weren't for bad luck, they'd have no luck at all..." But an amazing thing happens. It has to do with a pool, a dive and... no water.

If this film does not fill you up with empathy, with hope for this family- well...check your pulse buddy. It doesn't have a "happy" ending, but truly...are there any endings in life that are happy? I won't spoil it, the ending...I'll just say it is a testament to bonds that cannot ever be broken.

Watch the film, but I'll warn you...it is subtitled. Now don't be a sissy...be enriched by this film. I give it five stars. For truth, for reality, for virtue- for making me feel comforted, in a way- by the love undeniably left flickering in the pitch black cave of their grief. (That word alone turns most people off, but...there is a lesson in this film that many of us miss- even a life with tiny bathrooms and night shifts and empty chairs- is still precious.)

Should you take my recommendation, let me know what you think. Take care-

The Young Pioneers

Speaking of the future in past posts, I thought it a good time to speak of my favorite future pioneers-my children and some of their accomplices. Now make sure you caught that last word- not accomplishments, but accomplices. Never will you hear me speak of my children as in perfection. After all...poor kids- look who their role model is.

First we have Emma, I haven't shed much light on that major source of light in my life. She no longer lives at home and isn't all that impressed by me exposing her personal history. But, I'm just going to take a shot here, knock down her walls a bit by writing about her. My eldest daughter is boisterous, loving, laughing, livid, lovely and crazy. Matter of fact- she herself says she has a "black belt in crazy." She is the kind of person that would bring life into a room , everyone present would be wondering if there had been a power surge- the room would remain lit up, even after her exit. It is hard to write about this dear, she is constantly evolving...hard to describe. Emma is a rush. Never a trickle but a full cascade. Bigger than life, this one. Imagine her journeys...

And now, drum roll please...Mathew. My son, my big, big boy. He wandered in today to show me his two new lip piercings. AAAARRRRGGGGHHH! And yet...whatever. It's your face sunshine...do what you want. My only negative comment was-"Are you sure that is employable?!" But...he also looked pretty trendy in a hip sort of way. He thought so too, and felt pretty cute about the whole thing. He is one smart cookie, too smart sometimes...and this lands him into deep conflicts with himself. He questions everything...I admire this trait and abhor it all at the same time. (Although, he may just be a chip off the old block.) Another comedian here...it's hard to stay mad at Mathew, he'll say something funny and I just have to leave the room...in peels of laughter (some times while pulling my hair out...)Mathew is a big ship in a little stream. He hasn't quite yet learned the tricky navigation to get down stream and out into the ocean...but there is no doubt in my mind, he will.

And then there's Lily- the artist, the activist, the hula hooping mediator. Lily is the last one at home...the youngest of four and finally getting her say. She speaks more so in hushed tones, drawing out statements from long thought out perspectives. She is reserved, but never shy- many make this mistake about her. Sometimes our conversations go like this," Ma- have you ever considered the deep cosmos and how they are ever changing but in a sense, due to the time extensions of the universe- slow and seemingly unchanging compared to the vast waves of change here on earth?" Me-"HUH?!" Talk about contemplating...she often has to explain her big sentences (as in broader views) in smaller words for her dear "Ma" as she calls me. We never have arguments, we have discussions. And she usually goes so far over my head that I then- rebel. "Oh yeah?! Well, um....your room is a mess, Missy. Go clean it." Trump baby, trump. Oh yeah-



My adopted boy, Eric- oh what a fine man. I took this boy to heart several years ago-never was I given a choice. My eldest son, Beau- would come home with little Eric tagging along. "Mom, he will always be here for supper on Sunday and part of this family, understand?" An ultimatum rarely given by my son- so of course I did understand. It meant that Beau had adopted Eric as a brother and we would respect and love him too. We do. Even after the Marine gig, the tours, always the visits home would include Beau first gathering up Eric and walking through the door, often together. And now, our Eric joins us always in light and dark and we love him and expect him to soar, as he "makes his dreams come true...and he decides the rest." (Besides, he's got Katie by his side...what more could a man want?! Kater-tot, a good woman and teacher too. Hint, hint....good woman, hard to come by mister.)



Now Beka is the last of the adoptees, well maybe not the last...but we took her to our heart often enough to be filled by her grace. Now, we overflow and can't keep it all to ourselves- yes sirreee, she taught us well. Oh, and soon- she'll be the teacher you hope your children get- the one that will remain in their hearts, even when their 90. Beka doesn't leave impressions so much as she leaves love every where...she's lovely and loving and kinder than most. But...I've seen her riled, oooohhh, don't get her ire up. When folks such as Beka, true through and through- get a little bent out of shape by the misdeeds of another who is not so true, just mean- well, it's kind of like a lightening storm, the strike is a humbling lesson. Yes, a teacher with integrity and a lofty spirit.



Kylee, always in my heart a daughter- her first child will be my grandchild- regardless. And her groom, a son in law- a friend and loving man. We could not have hoped for a better union of love...Matt was heaven sent.


Oh, and Miss Rhi- there is blood between us and love all around. I've known her since she was born- blond and blue eyed and ornery and sweet all at the same time. I don't get to spend as much time with her now that she's older and working and always busy. But when I do- she's like a little grasshopper, showing me constantly how she's grown, teaching me things I could not learn had it not been for her perspective and liveliness midst a family from the dark ages-Ha! I'm the black sheep of the family, only I don't deny it- the rest of the brood are all gathered like sheep and living in the year 1900. "Women are meant to breed, be quiet, wait on the menfolk...." AAARRRGGHHH- Can you imagine? My family thinks I am preposterous, "Who does that woman think she is?" Rhi always seemed to think there might be more to me....thought my company was beautiful. Although, we know we're loved- it's just like picking that love out of an English Walnut...having to reallllly work hard at it. One must have realllly thick skin and accept that Neanderthals are alive and well in our own family tree.

So- the young pioneers in my life are all so very fascinating, their interests lie in things that matter... love, kindness and a family that wasn't necessarily raised under the same roof, but feels like family all the same. In my teens, I was the tomboy girl who said I'd never have children. By the time I was 30, I had had my four beautiful babies. And I always wanted more...and I got them- love always creates. When I die, let them judge me by my company of friends...and family.

Be well and take care- oh! And remember- Children are the future, can we all agree to make it a brighter one for them? In all my life, always- it was a child who offered me the brightest potential, problems and joy. The memories I keep are the ones a child created with their sense of wonder and fairness.

in the bigger country

BRRRRRRR morning to everyone.

Central Illinois is a bit nippy this morning as here I sit with a cardigan and long underwear on. These last October days find me chilling, in more ways than one. I spent all of Sunday outdoors, I cleaned out sheds and hauled off garbage-burnt some papers in the burn barrel and caught a straw bale on fire...could have been those whipping winds. Thank goodness I was out there in time to dismantle the bale and put it out...or I wouldn't be having a farm sale, I'd be dealing with insurance adjusters. Oh my, not that!

Today, I am off from my "town" job...and with the outdoor work done, I have to attend to the indoor work. I loathe house keeping, I so look forward to the day when I have less house and more land. More utility and less utility bills- employing solar panels and wind energy- that's the plan I'm working on. Those steps taken for a bright future will cost me much in the beginning, I know- but in time those kind of changes should pay for themselves. So- from the ground up, in my new digs eventually- I will truly live the sustainable life I've always dreamed of.

My moving to Maine doesn't surprise many of the friends who know me by heart. Many have said they've always pictured me in the backwoods some day, chopping wood, whistling and happily working and wandering around in the bigger country. Flipping a kayak into the bed of the pickup, driving a few miles and flopping it out onto a lake. My kids and I will be visiting Maine soon again, as a family. I can't forecast fully what their reaction will be until we get there. At first, they'll be overcome by the beauty of it- the many trees and miles and miles of wilderness and water, but then I suspect, they'll wonder-Where's the movie theatre? Or the Pizza Hut? No McDonalds for fifty miles?!!! Ahhh, yes- I'll say, "This is heaven children...no McDonalds!" Then their openness to it all will slam shut like a door in the face of a religion salesman. So- I guess their picture of themselves in Maine will take some processing on their parts. The fast food thing might put a hitch in the focus for them.

Back to these last October days...the last of their kind for me, I reasoned yesterday. With that thought in mind, I wandered around even more intensely than usual. The sounds of the wind through my old trees, the barren golden fields of soybeans harvested. The long off views of deer crossing from hedge row to small woods sanctuary. The sunrises, the sunsets- those views will all be different for me this time next year. I vow to kayak often, the lake's length and breadth seem akin to my fields- the sun's last rays will be infinite over the water's rippling into bigger ripples all by a tip of my paddle into their liquid light. Not a bad trade off in my mind, though still- I know, I'll be comparing apples to oranges this time next year. Every day finds me making these comparisons, these opposites too. Preparing for change- like the seasons of one's life, ever bearing great circles. Be well, take care-

that first line

Good morning.

Here's a quote that ended up in my inbox this morning...and it settled itself right here on this blog, because it is apt as it leads right into what I have been struggling to bring to light here.

For to be free is not merely to cast off one's chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others. --Nelson Mandela

Saturday night, here at Beauregards farm- we had a gathering, a wiener roast, a barn dance and a kind of opening farewell to our friends and family. The bonus of the evening was when friend Jill and Opie brought out their guitars and played. We had a hootenanny by golly- and it felt so good. Around the fire were democrats and republicans, Lutherans and spiritualists. Young and old and a few mixed breeds- dogs and cats included. Although to my eyes, I saw a gathering of people and beasts very much alike. We all put our pants on the same way- we all sat under that beautiful sky, I suppose some saw it as dark, others- star lit. But what truly mattered, the key to the whole gathering- we were free to be you and me. To think as we thought, to sing off key or harmonize with one another. The freedom we all allowed ourselves that evening is a freedom some defend, some take for granted and some disallow others to feel. When you get right down to it- freedom is more an expression than a stance. For every one of us who believes that black is black and white is white- that the republicans are better than the democrats or vice versa- that is our right to express. But to become unglued or desperately biased against another who does not see things the way we do- well, that's just wrong. I don't like the division, it takes away something in the equation.

How can you yourself be free if you do not allow another to express their own mind and opinion?

How can you feel so right that other's must be wrong?

Freedom is a choice we make every day- but there is nothing free about hating or dismantling someone else's right to be as free as you. We don't necessarily have a black man running against a white man- we have a presidential choice based on qualities of leadership and intellect. Children seek validation, grown-ups seek information and then reason with the facts they gather.

I do not wish to persuade anyone to vote one way or the other. Freedom allows me to think for myself, to act upon those thoughts and declare, "May the best man win." We as Americans will decide once and for all...who that man will be. We are still united, even if my guy or your guy gets in. We only become divided when we forsake the freedom of the other because we disagree with a donkey or an elephant. I think we can all agree that this country is in bad shape- I hope after the smoke clears, we might look at the Constitution and hold that first line in our heart-"We the people..."

That document was written by some pretty sharp men... they understood that they were to represent the masses- the common man. Those folks there at the big house have forgotten not only who they represent- but what they represent. I hope as a united nation, as Americans- we, as a beginning step- bring about some clarity. It is not you and I who have run this country down- although we do an awful good job sometimes at running each other down- that has just got to stop. The culprits in high places need a wake up call...it is our congressman, Senators, representatives that we should reckon with, not each other. Their high spending ways to bail out a system that they themselves decided upon- by the sweat of our our brows- and the deceit of our votes. They have betrayed our trust, our future- yeah, my neighbor gets on my nerves sometimes. But he or she does not help her self to my hard earned dollars- (Although my ex sure had a time with my savings....) I don't know how that man sleeps at night, I don't know how the donkeys or elephants do either. Isn't it time we stopped defending the parties and started defending our neighbors, ourselves? Stand up for each other and stare down the mega hucksters?
Just some thoughts on freedom...and free wheeling ways of our leaders. Gosh- don't you think it's time to talk in terms of justice and liberty for all? The essence of the Constitution as a whole - The Constitution is based on the assent of the governed. When did the smoke become so thick that our political representatives dropped the "n" from assent, causing them to become only interested in the asset(s) of the governed? We, the governed do not agree- seemingly with all the roar I've been hearing- with the governors of our time. But instead of taking it to the top- our disagreements- we take it to each other. Truly- what does that change?

No more talk about all of this from me...I agree with you, or I disagree with you, either way- I'll try to respect your opinion and find some common ground. Up above, I hope I did. Take care-

A little quaint

Reggie's Way Restaurant-Back woods Maine

(Their philosophy-Why not?!)

Black Magic Johnson- Always, a happy little song.

Terra Brockman- Crusader for common good, The Land Connection
Nicolas Vergeon- Paris France Agricultural Engineer-intern, student and teacher
Lubec, Maine

A little quaint drinking village with a fishing problem.

Most easterly point in the USA-Happy Hot Dog Philosophers

My Big Fish-A keeper.

Blake man...Wise beyond his little years

He says "all anybody needs is love." He's quite right.

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens

can change the world.

Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.

Margaret Mead