Friday, January 2, 2009

But instead...

(Exquisite sunrise-New Year's Day 2009)

Good morning, this second day of the new year. I thought my post, as of New Year's eve would be of taking stock, lessons learned, etc. But instead- my youngest son was in an accident, almost unscathed- and I've been walking around here not entirely sure of my feelings. The most pronounced and immediate response was "Thank God you are alive!" We all cried and hugged and listened to how badly he felt, how he was such a screw up (he being the only 18 year old to ever wreck a car) how he no longer feels invincible... What a day, unexpected-turn-your-life-upside-down-in-a-moment day. And then, yesterday- I just wandered around after cooking everything I could get my hands on. And then there was the laundry to finish and the floors needed swept and the Christmas to come down...And then outside again, I found myself.

The questions I asked my alive son perhaps were the questions I never got to ask my other one. I couldn't seem to separate the incidents for a time, actually grabbing my son's toes and shaking them periodically. Crazy.

"It's good to be alive, isn't it?"

"Yes, mom."

"Were you scared?"

Of course he was and couldn't really talk about it.

"Why didn't you call?"

"I didn't want to bother you guys..."

And then more emotional outbursts on how he has upset us so. But we maintained, over and over, emphasized with hugs and hand holding-

"Cars can be replaced, you can't. We're glad you're alive. Thank God."

That's pretty much how the conversation ran in circles. After my wanderings and busy, busy...keep busy- I realized that I was utterly powerless. I couldn't save him and I couldn't keep him invincible. We may all say we know that, deep down. But when you're put in the predicament of a parent's worst nightmare- believe me, you think you too are invincible and could keep safe the child from all accidents, bullets, drinking, drugs...When it comes right down to it, the only stronghold you have is hope. And dear, sweet hope sometimes flies right out the window and sets you to wandering again, looking for it.

Was it in the ham and beans and cornbread I made yesterday, perhaps in the lemon cake? Yes, a few of those ingredients included hopefulness- baked right in and then sprinkled on top. He had to eat, I hoped this would sound good to him. (He loves cornbread.)

Was it in the dust and dirt and Christmas tree remnants I swept up? Yes, perhaps if the floors shined so, the pain and misfortune wouldn't be noticed so much.

What about the laundry, any hope in there? Well yes in fact- clean, good smelling underwear can perk a body right up.

Mathew is signed up to start school later this month, he referred to that event as a big step up for him. He is really looking forward to it. But now this, and just when things were looking up, he screwed up again...(His words). So all the hope that I could muster- could clean sweep and bake in and make bright- I laid it on him, thick. It's all and everything I can do.

So fragile is this life, handle with hope.

(And later when he is all healed up, physically, mentally, spiritually...I plan on whacking him upside his head when he least expects it and telling him-"Don't you ever take your life so irresponsibly for granted again, and do not ever put me through the hell you have, I brought you into this world buddy, I can take you out...")

Take care-


Anonymous said...

I'm really glad that everything turned out okay, and that Mathew is okay. Hope other than that, the New Year has been good.

Love, Rhi

G Atticus said...

All valid frustrations of being powerless. Being just out of my teens not long ago. It amazes me how the adults in my life can keep such level heads about "learning experiences" For we have all had our fair share. The fairness lies in presence of being and acceptance that when all is wrapped up-things could not have happened any other way. It has been my understanding to never underestimate the power of guardian angles. Hope was indeed the last escaping treasure of Pandora's box in legend. Grasped hold of and kept for all of humanity before escaping into oblivion. Cooking lies my remedy as well, for what better way to share love then around a table. May the new year and everyday surpass the imagination of well being in your soul. Peace and happiness to you.


Li'l Em of OddVitamins said...

Reading that made my gut all churny in ways both good and bad...I have a younger brother and even though he is also now in his 20's and all grown up and independent and shiny, he is still always going to be the little bambino to me. That's the thing about bambinos, isn't it. I don't really know how to give him normal hugs, as I just kind of squeeze the life out of him, and oddly enough, that photograph is sort of what I envision when I do--light and warmth and peace just bursting out all over. Mucho mojo.

Jayne said...

Scary stuff...whew. So glad he is OK.

troutbirder said...

I read this post last night, wanted to comment and then couldn't sort out the million words that passed thru my mind. Today is a new day. I had two sons. Now one. The phone call in the night that every parent fears stops my heart cold every time it rings. I am so glad your son is all right.

Evelyn said...

The sunrise is beautiful, and your post is amazing. "So fragile is this life, handle with hope"..... just what I needed to read.

P.S. I found my way here via Jayne's blogroll at Journey through Grace.

truewonder said...

G Atticus, as I read your comment- all I could think of was "I love this guy." How does one so young see so clearly?
Lil Em, I have a little brother too-although he is all of 6'3", I squeeze the embarressment right out of him when I grab him and hold him.
Thanks for visiting Evelyn, Ilove that strong name.
And mr.tb- I thought I had my parenting rights taken away with my oldest son's death- but I found out, I'm still his mom and always will I be. And accidents happen to you and me and everyone we know- sometimes though the consequences become mountains or ways around them. Either way- we cry, we sing, we write, we remember.( When the phone rings though, I'm still as unprepared as I ever was-)