Monday, April 28, 2008

A Mess

Good morning to you has been a while since I wrote. My head and heart can't always decide on what is important to share here, so...let's talk about those wonderful morels a bit again, ok? OK!
I have had a cold, or hay fever or whatever- enough that allows me just enough energy to work but then rest after work, no mushroom hunting(which requires a loooonnngggg walk, hiding behind trees, etc. until I get to THE place). Uh-hummmm, sorry- had to clear my throat- so yesterday, Sunday to be exact- I still should have rested, done paper work, watched movies...but of course, I had to hunt. As I was walking to said patch, this song came into my congested, hazed head:

Where the shrooms are-
some morel waits for me
where the shrooms are, where the shrooms are
Where the shrooms are, some morel waits for me....

You know that song, if you're beyond 30- Connie Francis I think. Anyway...these are the things that float through my head sometimes. Mushroom hunting is a dreamy-like falling in love. You do stupid things, say weird stuff, change the lyrics of songs to fit your fantasy, speak in tongues kind of- to other shroom hunters. I've created a terminology of sorts, some examples I've heard over the years:

A Mess: Enough mushrooms for you and your family if you can't convince them that there is a really good movie on somewhere, or that all mushrooms are poisonous. Use it in a sentence like this: "Yep, got a mess yesterday- family is going out to a show so I'll just have 'em for supper so as not to poison the family, in case one of those mushrooms is a pecker head*(see below)."

*Pecker Head: Well, yes there's that...but! A false morel, or a mushroom that resembles, well, yes that...the children love to hunt for mushrooms if only to find one of these and say it over and over, loudly squealing with laughter and also to share it with hard hearing grandma later so they can go through the exercise all over again, even louder till grandma gets it. (And then she gives the mom, always the mom- the evil eye in allowing the children to say such things...when it has been grandpa all along who taught them such crudeness and encourages this behavior with other "curse" words as well. Such as when mom leaves the children with grandpa, thinking he'll impart the wisdom of the ages, instead he teaches "hold your tongue between your fingers and say ship.")

A Fairy Ring: A mystical circle of mushrooms...when one finds this, one stands back in reverence, calls to all the other hunters in the area- heads are bowed, and someone says, "Don't that beat all...amen."

"If that was a snake it would have bit ya.": A statement you don't ever want to hear in the woods when you're mushroom hunting with your nearly blind grandmother of 90, the shame associated with realizing your standing atop a mess and didn't see it till grandma pointed it out will haunt you for years.

Spores: Something to do with leaving the root of the mushroom where you found it and using gathering bags with holes in it so as you can spread the spores throughout the woods for more mushrooms next year.

Tourist: Bloodsuckers,biters,chiggers, ticks...Use it in a sentence like this: "Make sure you use plenty of that dope or you'll have every little tourist in the woods comin' home with ya."

Dope: A toxic spray, gel or powder that is applied all over the body and clothing to prevent ticks, chiggers a/k/a tourists- from traveling up your pant leg to suck your blood and/or give you the nastiest little itch you've ever experienced.

A Good Patch: A location that is never disclosed, and rarely shared with another unless they are blindfolded, spun around ten times till they're darn good and dizzy and sworn to secrecy by making them share an unholy secret that you will post in the morning paper should you ever find them in your good patch. Used in a sentence like this: "So you got yourself a good patch, where is it?" "In the county." "In this county?" "Maybe."

Take care.


bam said...

this is MARVELOUS!!! makes me want to see it run in the newspaper. i am telling you we need to see that true wonder byline in print. not just on the cybernet. you are soooo good. i love your vocab list. wish i could find me a shroom.....thanks once again for opening my eyes to your deep woods....

Anonymous said...

i remember long ago - you took me to your hunting patch - you made me pull my sweatshirt over my head until we got there - just to keep it a secret. YOu shared with me all the signs that you look for to find those little treasures - I think I found only one! I hadn't thought about our little trip in years. IT was fun - thanks for the verbal adventure on your blog today, it brought back such sweet memories.

truewonder said...

Thank you miss bam, wasn't sure about my humor today...but the memory of hunting with the kids is often filled with laughter, and naughty words- grandpa would deny this. (But those who know him would attest that this is factual...)

And anonymous...boy oh boy, you must be pretty special, cause not many infiltrate the patch. Thanks for visiting. And keeping your mouth shut...