Tuesday, March 31, 2009

...without the wind

I read something recently that just did not sit well with me. I am no scholar, psychologist, scientist- nor do I have much education to credit any kind of specific philosophy. What I have learned, what knowledge I have gained usually came from experiences. I have read and researched with the best of them, though I don't believe in dedicating my unique life/gift to the thoughts or beliefs of another. Many teachings though, have expanded my own horizons. But somewhere, somehow- I began to explore not only translations, but the vertical leaps, the transformation from moments of clear insight, that perhaps were graces given to me, that I might offer up a perception that might glean others a more vertical view. To do this, many mountains had to be moved. Many tears had to fall, many uncomfortable moments had to be endured, and one specific event exchanged all I believed. In short, all the layers of varnish that have been applied over the years had to be stripped away. I don't believe anything essential can be stripped away, what is ingrained in one's soul cannot be removed. Many speak of life's circumstances, a person's upbringing, education, lack of opportunities, physical ailments, etc. cause a person to become ingrained with a life pattern, making people act a certain way. That's the word that disturbed me- ingrained. As if what one was born to be may not occur because of the restrictions, the indelible marks caused by misfortunes and even fortunes. I don't buy this. I feel that as the layers are stripped away, the varnish- one begins to see that true grain, running completely through them. What life has done, shellacked for lack of a better word- has only left scratches that are not indelible, there are scars yes, deep sometimes- absolute ravines- but below those marks, is where our true grain lies. When I wrote-

Strip your layers

Find your grain...

I was dealing with a devastating life blow. For a time, I shellacked the hell out of my physical, spiritual, mental self. I drank like a fish, I smoked till I could only feel neutrality- I could not bear for the longest time, anything remotely akin to who I truly was, because who I truly was...became shattered, shredded, in deep and dark turmoil and pain. My well of inspiration had run completely dry, not only could I not help myself, I could not even begin to help another, even my own children. This feeling finally offered a bit of awakening-"Hey! This is not me, this is a performance- I am acting out of pain and fear, I am afraid of more of the same. But my children, my kids...I see this same kind of performance." And thus, my journey began.

I write these things because I feel that some may think more of me than they do of themselves. Brother, I tell you- the best I can offer you is a hand as I climb too. But if I can offer the same grace that was offered to me, if it helps you out along the way, so be it. My reasoning here today- if you find yourself completely hidden by life's misfortunes, strip a layer or two. It is a frightening process, it is painful, and mean and a terribly, terribly vulnerable thing to do. But it is a process, meaning- not permanent, temporary...the first step, the first layer to be removed is often the most difficult. We are not ingrained permanently by misfortune, though I do believe we are stripped, layer upon layer- until we see the grain of who we are.

"...open up to love and pain,
Hand in hand- they always go,
Sorrow's end is where we grow"

The pain does translate deep lessons but the love...and there is much love everywhere, I hope you can at the very least take some hope from me here- will transform you.

Pretty deep stuff here today, perhaps the climb has started for me again...I have come to believe that none of us ascends truly, unless we all do. None of us fly so high without the wind. None of us can set the sail until the ocean beckons. And none of us, not one of us- can do it alone.

"...if any little word of ours
can make one life the brighter,
if any little song of ours-
can make one heart the lighter...
God help me speak that little word
And take our bit of singing,
And drop it in some lonely vale,
To set the echoes ringing."

Please if you will, what has been of service to you in your life, helping you to see more clearly- what you were made to see, acknowledge, create?

Yes dear readers, I am asking you to expose a vulnerability and the healing that took place after...

Consider too, what virtue there is in your progress- it may just shine quite the bright light for another.

Thanks...take care-


Anonymous said...

Your words always make my life brighter. In just the last few months, I think I can finally say that I woke up. And stopping by here every day helps me do that. People think a lot of you b/c you mean so much to us. You're honest and that helps us strip the layers.

Love, Rhi

truewonder said...

Ahh Rhi...I love your courage, the way you speak your heart. Honesty is the best policy- though sometimes I try to fool myself. Thank ya dear- for shining. (And PS- you've been awake baby- you just had some fool hoping you'd believe you were sleep walking...like he was.) There's more than just a clever quote behind-Rise and shine. The emphasis there-Rise. Hard to sink and shine...though it can be done. Ha. Love ya.

Jayne said...

I've had your blog page up all day as I started reading it this morning, but ran out of time, and did not want to forget to return, so I simply minimized it to savor when I got home. I just finished it. So much raw truth. For what it's worth, this is what I know to be true in my life... and what I strive to live each and every day. I will never be able to control what is thrown at me in my life, but the one thing I can control is how I respond to it. I can choose to curl up in a fetal position and let it pummel me, or I can walk through it and learn. I choose to keep walking. I choose to always know that I will come through it infinitely stronger and more peaceful. And, guess what? I always do. It's my choice. We all have a glorious choice. What about that!

Lordy, but I love how this little blogosphere has helped me meet people like you who make me think and be glad I am on the journey with you.

G Atticus said...

Reading words of any kind have an affect. A little bit of myself goes into the words as the words in turn bounce into me. The symbiotic relationship that text allows. I thank you for your ever present words friend. Our grain within us all is love. All else is self induced and not real. Shed the guilt of scars-accept the forgiveness that is already within us. Wishing you the best in the Spring to come!

truewonder said...

Jayne, Thank you for your profound insights and beautiful living ways. Yes, the option is always open to sink or swim...I hope others visit your writing so they can see grace in action, daily.
And G...I'm always so glad when you come by, love is all around and even in between the rocks and hard places. Sometimes the road is so rocky along the way...optimum word-along.

It is amazing to me the gathering of inspiration here, thanks.