(Warning-Rather long and cryptic, no real solutions either!)
Here's the deal...I could forgive everything if only today we would begin again...or tomorrow...or the next day...or again and again and again. But nothing ever changes, so why should I? I love from afar, less damage that way. That's my excuse, my fortress that keeps me safe from the "monster" episodes I call them. But also from afar, I can see someone who needs loving the most yet deserves it the least. From afar, I am not so deeply inflicted by ammunition slung by a soul who can only love in the way of hurt. Have somebody like that in your life? Someone who feels so much pain and instead of dealing with it, they inflict it like poison arrows to your very soul? How does one forgive that?
These are matters of the deep heart, one that I have calculatingly protected from more damage. Am I strong enough to believe in this grace within me to rise above? I tell you I just don't know...but I've seen some numbers done on folks this week, they call it love- but it seems like more of a destroy tactic to me. If I know one thing for sure, and this may be the only real thing I know- love always creates, it never destroys. How does one create love with another that knows no other source BUT destruction? How does one maneuver best around the people among us who manipulate, calculate- are cold and hateful? I tell you again, I just don't know- my wings are working fine now and I so do not want that flying part of me to become singed by the fiery flames of another.
. I honor the creed, always be kinder than necessary. I see beauty in ugly faces and places...but the one face I long to behold in beauty... is so frightening to me, and not only do I see the hurt and pain there, I feel it to my very core. And there seems to lie their only joy- inflicting their pain. I am not such a willing pincushion these days. Makes them mad as hell, which to my eyes-is at the very least more honesty than I've ever known in that face. I have learned to tell the monster-NO, not allowed. And the space between us grows ever larger, every "No!" I command is met with worsening threats. None thus far carried out...perhaps they won't fall, perhaps they'll fly across that great divide some day and plead, "tell me yes!" And I'll say, "My, how far you've come... yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!" And the beginning that might begin again will begin....again.
The moral of the story that has no end in sight- happily ever after means sometimes, simply forgiving yourself for believing that love divides, and pain is deserved for something you've surely done to receive it. After all that fearful belief system is broke down and aired out- love looks like this-
Sometimes there is a gap between us that only love can fill...but sometimes that gap has no bottom and all the grace leaks out. If that's the case- find the grace within you and redirect it towards loving and forgiving yourself and everyone you are able to, without losing your own footing again.
There's the work and it's terribly hard, and sometimes oh-so-lonely. I choose to love my self up close, and others who often wield love like a knife- I'll love them from a safe distance. That may not be the best way to navigate forgiveness, but it's a whole lot easier on a heart that's been mended a million times over...it's dangerous to have a heart like that and be around folks with scissors looking for loose threads. I have found that those folks who cut instead of mend...might scream , and act out and say they'll fall- most often times are the very ones who always land on their feet completely intact while you lay there in shreds. That's been my experience anyway...
Forgiveness is the ultimate F word indeed.
( little grasshopper...I wrote this as current events are so parallel to past experiences and the remembered "soreness", hoping that I might better help you navigate. If not now, perhaps sometime in the future when you are centered and strong and very sure of your footing- maybe, just maybe the beginning again can begin. If it helps, I trust you'll make the right decision for you and only you at this time. Someone has had ample time to start across that great divide...If my child ever felt the way you describe, I'd become the best damn mountain climber that ever was and cross the divide, a thousand times over if I had to. There is still hope here..., say and be beautiful to the best of your ability, be right within yourself and all will work out.)