an eagle in human form

We have had many visitors as of late to this little cottage like home.  Some are most welcome and enter in brightly, and when they leave it as though they have left in their wake- intangible remnants of laughter.  People fill a place with their energy I think.  I seem to be overly in-tuned to the highs and lows of folks and often, when an overwhelming feeling of negative crappy stuff permeates my surroundings, I either shy away or step outside and hope they don't follow.   Sometimes, if they persist in telling me all their woes, complaining that no one ever does this, or never visits, or never calls and they're so lonely...it's all I can do to not scream "SNAP OUT OF IT!!!"  If someone is truly in the dumps and maybe their picture of life is just a bit out of focus...gladly I'll encourage them  to perhaps look a little closer, focus on the roses instead of the thorns.  But when my patience is tried and I'm forced to hear-"You should do this and you should do that, and look at me I'm a poor lonely woman, and I'm OK."  I want to say, "No, my dear- you are not.  You seem to get off on drama and past episodes of every wrong done to you...you take me to task because I don't see the world through fearful, regretful eyes."

But of course- I do not say any such thing.  I sigh and listen as long as I"m able, then I simply go outside.  And as life would have it, that's just what I did yesterday- and my thoughts came upon Grandma.  Yep.  She's still kicking, never complaining, no whining either...ever.  I called her and the first words out of her mouth-
"I'm so glad you called."   I didn't even make the call until after lunch...but do you think she'd ever take me to task because I didn't first thing yesterday call her to wish her a happy day, truly as I should have?!  No, she was only sincerely glad to hear my voice, and our conversation carried on about new chicks, gardens and the fact that mine was the first and only call she had received that day.  The equation added up and I came away once again with the best answer of all- my Grandma is such a good woman.  Independent as all hell, loyal as a good old dog and sweet and growing ever sweeter with each passing moment.  She tickles me although I used to be so afraid of her.  I think we all were.  But when you really look at the whole scheme of things- had it not been for her tenacity, independence, boldness, bitchiness, thump on the head occasionally....all of us offspring would have been pretty wimpy.  She never hugged or told you she loved you, never coddled or cuddled.  But she never swerved either in the upbringing- and I feel in her life time, she has taken alot of disrespect that was not deserved.  She has been undervalued and mistreated a time or two. Times being what they were back in the day- if your husband left you, beat you, drunk away all your savings...it generally centered on your shoulders.  And I think she believed she always deserved what she got, but the miracle of all of this- I was quickly going down that same road and she kind of at first- stuck that shoulder crap on me.  But I proved to her, mirrored almost- that was just not true.  I never left, I never swerved- I hung right in there and did what I had to, too.  Between you and me dear readers, I think it helped her to see herself in a new light, I also think she realized what a strength-force she was in my life.  We needed each other in a way that neither of us had reckoned.  We became friends.

To see her walk now, in her nineties- (she will not use a cane or a walker) every step looks so painful.  She shifts all her weight back and forth, as if the whole world lay on her left hip.  Perhaps as it did when she carried that first child there, and then added another, and another and another...even though two were naturally born to her- all of us offshoots have been carried in a way by this good gal.  She's not the kind that you can tell such things too...she says "that's nuts."  Anyway- I feel very lucky to know Mocko (we didn't even call her grandma.  Everybody had grandmas...we have Mocko.  Isn't that a riot?)   to really have gotten to know her- she truly doesn't let many in.   She gave her life for me...but that's another story for another day that I hope comes on her gently, in her sleep.  It's a story, due to my utmost respect for her- I will not tell while she lives.  She is possibly the most proud (with every good reason to be) woman I've ever known.  For so long- I did not understand her.  I still don't fully- I only know that I probably love this woman, who is not my mother-( but always will remain the best one I know) better and more thoroughly than she would ever allow.  But for some reason, she lets me.  What an honor.

So...I wanted to tell you all about me being a new "Mother Hen" and all, chicks came in the mail last Thursday...but I got to thinking about mother hen eagles and how when I take every opportunity to photograph them, they always seem so much like my grandma.  I'll keep her stories coming up now and then...so much to learn, if only I could quit comparing the whiners in my life to grandma, I'd probably do Ok, never knowing an eagle in human form might make me able better to identify with constant complainers and whiners who truly have nothing to be sorry for and everything to be thankful for.   Wish me luck....

Take care.

plenty of rain to sustain

The heart that breaks open can contain the whole universe. -

--Joanna Macy

Forgive me for my whiny as of late complaining posts...truly, I have no reason to complain. I've got a roof over my head, my health and beautiful, beautiful surroundings- including the best friends and children a person could ever hope for. A love of life and the love of my life- this is more than enough for anyone, and it doesn't take a ding dong like me long to figure that out, though sometimes tractors, ancient tractors- get me down because it is a must have tool that I need to keep this place running. Sometimes when things get beyond my expertise and fail me, I guess I get to thinking somehow I have failed. But the whole picture looks like this:

When things break down, I don't have to.

When times get tough, so can I.

When something needs to be done, I can do it- thank goodness I have the capacity of mind to know what I have to do- and can and will do.

When time gets out of hand and runs out, I will not.

When my knees get sore and tired, I will not- I do my best work sometimes upon my knees...praying, pleading, changing oil, getting under the problem and of course, always the one sure thing- gardening.

When people do not react to me with loving kindness, I will anyway.

When the world seems against me, I will be willing to back up a bit and get out of the way. It's way is not my way- never has been, I'll let it pass.

And please, when I get to whining- just tell me to shut up. It serves no purpose to bring others down too.

Four walls and a roof does suffice. (Especially when those four walls are surrounded by trees and flowers and plenty of rain to sustain.)

Oh yes and certainly so...when our hearts are broken, perhaps it is because they only need to break open, the break is not the final assault, it is a beginning in an opening for more, always more.

I have not been out mushrooming again, yet...my grass is getting almost too high for the mower, my farm is presenting more problems for me to heed before the actual sale. Every time the contractor shows up, he seems to say-"the price has gone up on everything."

And I wonder how long my funds will last, will it be enough, can I keep rolling and plugging away, can I truly sell all that is, all I've known, all that I have worked so hard for...and the answer is an affirmative-YES.

Had to break open a bit to see the big, enormous, scary, terrifying, great, mysterious, fascinating, enduring picture. After all, that's what true wonders do...never cease.

Can I get an amen?!

Take care-