Monday, May 10, 2010

an eagle in human form



We have had many visitors as of late to this little cottage like home.  Some are most welcome and enter in brightly, and when they leave it as though they have left in their wake- intangible remnants of laughter.  People fill a place with their energy I think.  I seem to be overly in-tuned to the highs and lows of folks and often, when an overwhelming feeling of negative crappy stuff permeates my surroundings, I either shy away or step outside and hope they don't follow.   Sometimes, if they persist in telling me all their woes, complaining that no one ever does this, or never visits, or never calls and they're so lonely...it's all I can do to not scream "SNAP OUT OF IT!!!"  If someone is truly in the dumps and maybe their picture of life is just a bit out of focus...gladly I'll encourage them  to perhaps look a little closer, focus on the roses instead of the thorns.  But when my patience is tried and I'm forced to hear-"You should do this and you should do that, and look at me I'm a poor lonely woman, and I'm OK."  I want to say, "No, my dear- you are not.  You seem to get off on drama and past episodes of every wrong done to you...you take me to task because I don't see the world through fearful, regretful eyes."

But of course- I do not say any such thing.  I sigh and listen as long as I"m able, then I simply go outside.  And as life would have it, that's just what I did yesterday- and my thoughts came upon Grandma.  Yep.  She's still kicking, never complaining, no whining either...ever.  I called her and the first words out of her mouth-
"I'm so glad you called."   I didn't even make the call until after lunch...but do you think she'd ever take me to task because I didn't first thing yesterday call her to wish her a happy day, truly as I should have?!  No, she was only sincerely glad to hear my voice, and our conversation carried on about new chicks, gardens and the fact that mine was the first and only call she had received that day.  The equation added up and I came away once again with the best answer of all- my Grandma is such a good woman.  Independent as all hell, loyal as a good old dog and sweet and growing ever sweeter with each passing moment.  She tickles me although I used to be so afraid of her.  I think we all were.  But when you really look at the whole scheme of things- had it not been for her tenacity, independence, boldness, bitchiness, thump on the head occasionally....all of us offspring would have been pretty wimpy.  She never hugged or told you she loved you, never coddled or cuddled.  But she never swerved either in the upbringing- and I feel in her life time, she has taken alot of disrespect that was not deserved.  She has been undervalued and mistreated a time or two. Times being what they were back in the day- if your husband left you, beat you, drunk away all your savings...it generally centered on your shoulders.  And I think she believed she always deserved what she got, but the miracle of all of this- I was quickly going down that same road and she kind of at first- stuck that shoulder crap on me.  But I proved to her, mirrored almost- that was just not true.  I never left, I never swerved- I hung right in there and did what I had to, too.  Between you and me dear readers, I think it helped her to see herself in a new light, I also think she realized what a strength-force she was in my life.  We needed each other in a way that neither of us had reckoned.  We became friends.

To see her walk now, in her nineties- (she will not use a cane or a walker) every step looks so painful.  She shifts all her weight back and forth, as if the whole world lay on her left hip.  Perhaps as it did when she carried that first child there, and then added another, and another and another...even though two were naturally born to her- all of us offshoots have been carried in a way by this good gal.  She's not the kind that you can tell such things too...she says "that's nuts."  Anyway- I feel very lucky to know Mocko (we didn't even call her grandma.  Everybody had grandmas...we have Mocko.  Isn't that a riot?)   to really have gotten to know her- she truly doesn't let many in.   She gave her life for me...but that's another story for another day that I hope comes on her gently, in her sleep.  It's a story, due to my utmost respect for her- I will not tell while she lives.  She is possibly the most proud (with every good reason to be) woman I've ever known.  For so long- I did not understand her.  I still don't fully- I only know that I probably love this woman, who is not my mother-( but always will remain the best one I know) better and more thoroughly than she would ever allow.  But for some reason, she lets me.  What an honor.

So...I wanted to tell you all about me being a new "Mother Hen" and all, chicks came in the mail last Thursday...but I got to thinking about mother hen eagles and how when I take every opportunity to photograph them, they always seem so much like my grandma.  I'll keep her stories coming up now and then...so much to learn, if only I could quit comparing the whiners in my life to grandma, I'd probably do Ok, never knowing an eagle in human form might make me able better to identify with constant complainers and whiners who truly have nothing to be sorry for and everything to be thankful for.   Wish me luck....

Take care.

6 comments:

Jayne said...

People tend to do the best with what they perceive they are given, but like you, I have little patience for those who groan about every little thing. Your grandmother sounds like quite the lady. :c)

troutbirder said...

An eagle indeed!

Rhiannon said...

Grandma still scares me :) But I love to hear the funny little stories that Emma tells me like, Grandma saw your pictures and she said she really likes Shane's beard!! Ha-ha. So many of the older ladies in our family are tough as nails. Thank goodness we had them to learn from in the absence of others :)

truewonder said...

Rhi,
Yeah! At some point you get to in life, you look back and say- I may not have gotten tucked in every night, but! thank goodness for the solidness of the strong women in my life who showed me how to take care of myself. Do you know I actually told grandma to get on her broom and fly if she wanted a ride?! Yep, I did. And lived....

Audrey said...

I always keep my sage stick on hand, When the negative energy is too much,, I fall back on native tradition and sage the hell out of my place.

truewonder said...

Lord knows I need some sage...can't grow it fast enough!