Tuesday, June 10, 2008
You know you know something...when your heart will not be still, when your sleep is disturbed by the grinding of your own teeth...when your fear is shattered, even when your hands shake, and again- your heart that won't be still, pounds little extra beats into a rhythm that you fear might bring about breathlessness.
Every time I'm fearful about something, I become aware of the signals my body is sending...the trembling, the awkwardness of the rhythm out of time, out of context, out of the blue...I feel weakened. But it is truly at these precise moments, these scary, scary times...that I stop whatever I'm doing...take refuge out under the cherry tree, or next to the chickens, sometimes out on the swing...and I say "Father, thank you-increase my faith." And then I wait. And wonder. And become aware of the signs, the signals...the cool breeze against my face, unsettling the longer pieces of bangs that fell right over my eyes so that I cannot see, allowing me to feel the breeze against my skin-even more intimately, a caress of assurance. And my nose picks up a scent that I did not realize a moment ago...it filters through my memory and elicits sweet joy...roses. My hands stop their shake, my heart slows it's pace...I breathe...in...peace.
Perhaps this is faith, or maybe just a fine moment in time that I discovered to be truly, truly holy...
Sharing these thoughts does not make me any more or any less than any other soul on this earth...it just makes me keenly aware of the goodness, the sublime...the count your blessings and be grateful for all you have and all you know...you are alive. Intact.
Sitting out in the little orchard yesterday, under the sky- bruised and swollen with yet again more rain...I realized, perhaps for the first time in my life-I am intact. Blew me away...sat down and wrote a blue streak yesterday...don't know where it all came from, the words- but they left their mark on me and on the page. All because I started to fret and shake about something I have no control over...no steering...no holding on...no handle...as the breeze from??? blew it all away.
Be well, take care.