Friday, May 7, 2010

the better part of me

  To not speak of death is to not speak of life.  I do not write of these things in sadness, I write all in gladness for what is, what was, and what will be...

Mother's Day is a bittersweet day for me.  The bitterness stems from missing my Beau, who never let an opportunity pass to show me what being his mom meant to him.  Sometimes it was a card, sometimes artwork, sometimes a bunch of dandelions with a wee bit of violets mixed in.  I have an old coffee can filled with his gifts, dried and fragile- yet I can never dispose of them.  I remember our last trip together, taking the Amtrak from Springfield to Chicago for a day of touring before he entered the Marines.  I can still see him there, gazing out the window at the old farmsteads and silos blurring by, I could almost read those thoughts, though he was quiet- his sighs were long and thoughtful.  I wondered if he knew, I wonder still...how much I'd give to protect him from all harm and love him fully, no matter what.  Those moments are inscribed in my memory, and they are good and worth keeping.  Beau, the boy/man- is in my every thought still- and on Mother's Day I think of him with tears first, I know no other way to get past the dark than to let it all flow away so the light, the memories can surface.
  This is my first year away from Emma, Mathew and Lily.  I'll miss them too...I remember my favorite Mother's Day with all of them.  Breakfast in bed, smeared blackened toast with jelly accompanied by coffee and juice.  I remember how proud they were to serve it, though possibly sending in the smallest waitress as they wondered if I'd mind the burnt offerings.  She was all giggly and sly, looking back towards her accomplices hideaway.  The other three, just outside the door- giggling too, perhaps wondering if I'd kill the joy of the messenger.  I remember smiling, oh the sweetness of that moment lingers still,  miss Lils got a big hug and then they all surfaced from behind the door to join in the wrestling, hugging match.  Lunch was charred pork steaks, glossy black.  Oh my, the memories I keep- laughing at this moment in the remembrance.

I have to add that I am shameless...I called each child, still my babies, always my babies- on Monday to remind them that Sunday is Mother's Day.  "We KNOW!!!" they answered.  I hope they know, I hope I always convey- how wonderful, how good how utterly right it is to be their mom.  I feel like sending them cards- no greater joy have I known that makes up the better part of me, than of being a mom to my children.  To my Beau- I send prayers and on Sunday, as always- rain or shine...a kite will go up, as if I can still hold his hand by guiding the string.

May all your hearts be filled with memories worth keeping, burnt toast and the blessings only a mother can know- and should you miss someone, may the smiles return as the memories shift clear of the heartache and enter into a slideshow through your thoughts of the happiest, most joyful of moments forever etched upon your very soul.


Take care-

9 comments:

Jayne said...

((((Terry)))))

Dawn said...

Terry,

thank you for visiting my blog. yours is so beautiful! I am truly sorry for the loss of your son, I cannot even begin to understand what you have endured. Peace always.

troutbirder said...

Bittersweet indeed. Wherever there is joy and beauty. I see Ted. He was the light of our lives.

truewonder said...

It is not so much an endurance, it is simply life...great loss leaves remnants of greater understanding, compassion, gratefulness. It also leaves a gaping hole, someone is always missed-as TB can attest to.
Yet still TB, would we trade or swap our lives with anyone else if it meant never knowing Ted or Beau? Not a chance. Give the Mrs. a big, knowing hug from me...take care-

yani p. cordero said...

Heavens... you tore at my heart and touched the core of it. I am a mother of three. and i have only one 16 year old son, Gibran Ismael. He really wanted to be in the military academy after high school but i won't hear about it. i may be foolish to dissuade him or my mother's selfishness but i am happier when he finally decided to be in the University of the Philippines to take up Bachelor of Arts in Political Science. I salute you for the courage and the deep understanding...

Rhiannon said...

Terry, you're so wonderful. I've never heard another mother say they want to send their kids a card!! They mother that you are to your kids is the mother I hope I can be to mine someday. You inspire me :)

Love you.

truewonder said...

Yani,

I don't think you're selfish, one thing about being a mom- we have to speak our heart and mind to our children, even if it goes against their choices. I'm always for my children, but many times- against some of their directions...ultimately, they decide for themselves which way to go with full knowledge, theirs and mine together. Thanks for visiting, take care-

truewonder said...

Rhi,

After all, you're one of my kids too. I thought of you this weekend, knowing who you miss...I miss her too. I haven't always wanted to send cards to the kids, I use to get awfully upset with them for forgetting "MY DAY"...until one year, I saw a neighbor farmer's wife on Mother's Day in the field...because the work had to be done, I thought of her out there toiling and working instead of home gloating in the glory. She smiled and waved at me when I passed, I learned from her that I was a big selfish baby. Any little gesture at any given time of the year that said "thanks mom" was really what Mother's Day became for me.

bam said...

oh darlin this is beautiful.....as if i can hold his hand by the kite string...

you leave me limp with love....