a few more degrees

Ahhhh, thank goodness, August will come.  Kind of felt like I was on some rocky ride there through a dynamite hole with boulders and slivers of stone slicing through the air and all around, some straight through.

I declare, July is Hell on me...no matter what or where I am, it takes hold and I have yet to shake it.  So, I guess if life is to be harsher than normal, well....that'd be the month for it.  Kettle is already boiling, what's a few more degrees?!

Well, I gotta tell you...that's a load of crap, a few more degrees.  I go into the ugly cave that July has come to represent with my head held high, my light up above like a lantern and I take a few more steps in there than I did the year before.  I guess I am a glutton for punishment, but please, please know- I am not one who can take all the kicks the world has to offer.  When I am down, Hell, whenever anyone is down...why is it the cowards and buzzards seem to gather around you and get their toes into your belly too?!

  I do not like to fight, wisdom is the best weapon...I'd like to think I'm too high minded now to ever lift a finger against another fellow, even in self defense (though a shotgun says "that's enough" to trespassers best).  Physical confrontations are a bit old school and well, there's always a better way, right?!  Except I'm wondering...
How it might feel to land a punch in to the nose of the cold hearted bastards who stole my farm sign.  On a significantly horrendous day...they could not know that, still-it didn't mean a damn thing to them anyway, they just saw it all for the taking, no honor or courage about them...they slipped in under the dark sky and stole a piece of my heart.  I am not made of stone, am not the cream of the crop, I cry too, I weep at things that no one else notices, I believe in sharing tears instead of words sometimes because it's honestly the only thing we do all understand, regardless of our cultural differences.  Tears say it all... the nothing equivalent that utter-less sorrow conveys.

And I'm crying mad.   That's what I'm trying to convey here, crying mad.  Because they know not what they do...and the local paper I wrote a kind enough letter to-in-hopes-someone-might-know-of-the-whereabouts-of-said-rather-LARGE -bright-fluorescent-green-and-white-Beauregards Farm-sign, neglected to list my phone number and the police that were called who-made-me-sift-through-all-my-pictures-for-the -best-pic-of-said-sign- never came by to get it and the-sign-posted-on-the-community-board-offering-a-reward-for-said-sign- was taken down the day after it was posted so no one might now never know that I'm looking for it, weeping for it and ....

What's the point?!  Soon enough, as always with me- a true bleeding heart.  I will say-

If. You. Can. Live. With. Taking. It....

I guess, I think, in time...

I can live with losing it.

Now some of you good people explain to me please, why oh why- my chin still protrudes, my teeth stay intact, I don't go on a sign redeeming rampage and kick somebody's ass, why I don't just put another sign down at the end of my lane that says Shame on you...

Don't answer.  I know why.  Because good people are so few and far between now, they're almost invisible.  And in spite of that knowledge, that irreversible reality... DAMMIT!!!!!.  It doesn't change the fact that the few and far between are still out there, and here.  And if I give up just a teensy little bit of ground in hope, in goodness, in wonder...then the bastards do win.

I fight every day, with myself.  I say, "Get up." "Shut Up." "Get going".  "Be kind."  "Forgive."  "Forget."  "Believe."  "Have faith." "Lend faith."  "Reflect."  "Navigate."  "Respect."  "Honor."  "Be still."  "Remember...."

And I still believe...but if I could-  I would take the whole of July and give it away to all of you who can appreciate the beauty of it.  Then, through your words and pictures, I might see it too.  I was able to take July in that sign, a kind friend that I truly did not know so well, but their character spoke through the generous act of making me that glorious sign- said, as he handed it to me- "Life goes on."   And I believed him, he covered July with that sign.  And they took it.

Don't let the bastards get you down.

Great quote, hard to live sometimes.  That's the truth.