Thursday, December 20, 2007

Oh what the heck, I'll take it...


No blog yesterday, sorry to all my devoted(2)fans...I fell into the abyss of an abscess, ouch and groggy alllll day, feeling better...

The title does not suggest a shopping spree and a foolish parting of ways with money that I don't have- it is in reference to the holidays. Lets just get straight to the point, they are hard days these tinsel type times. Everything I touch either breaks, folds up, gets a hole in it or just plain doesn't work like it did yesterday. And I can't say why for sure and I don't break down per se-I just don't manage well. Many, I believe in similar situations, feel this angst, this slow revival of sadness. The more you try to fake it, pretend-if you just try a little harder, or even hold it up against a starving child story and say "it could be worse", the more you try to not take notice of grief, truly the more difficult the situation becomes. So-Oh what the heck I'll take it! Give it to me, the tears and longing, the remember whens, and how he use too...I'll take it. And turn it into what it is, a disclosure, a light turned on in the darkness and come right out into that light and say I miss him, I'll always miss him because I love him so and always will. I did not stop being his mother on the day he died, I don't know how to stop being, don't want to ever learn. And especially at Christmas the mother lode of mothering days-I don't quite know what to do with my self. But I know for one thing sure- I will not be false to his memory nor can I be false to my living children's prescence, I must be real all around the Christmas tree. So, universe- give it to me, I'll take it. And make me ever grateful, I pray-for all of it. Peace to you today, please pass around the kindness today to those little(and not so little) brooders in your life, too. It is hard to see sadness, to really look at a face and try to not see it, ignore it, it makes for an uncomfortable situation...but imagine how it is for the soul behind that face to have no acknowledgement for who they really are, or how they really feel. Thanks, I knew you'd understand. You always did...and do take care-


(And no commenting on "Jesus is the Reason for the Season"-I know that.A statement like that is a life preserver(your own) if you will-thrown to a seemingly drowning man in only two foot of water-he's not drowning and you're not a preacher(are you?!)he's only taking on more water than necessary by flailing and fighting the waves-call to him, in kindness-he'll walk right out of the water, to the shore-everytime.)

2 comments:

bam said...

ahhhh darling, your wisdom always astounds me. not that anything you said is something i don't know deep in my marrow, but to hear someone who is THERE in the FACE OF IT say it out loud. do not look away from the face of sadness. do not avert your eyes, run to other side of the street, dammit, to be sad, grief stricken and THEN LONELY unheard on top of it. oh lord. to hear you tell us to look at it through the eyes of the sad one. do you know what it is to not be recognized? in your grief, you shed wisdom. and i ache for your aching. it has got to be the most bottomless, inconsolable pit in the world. i pray that the giant orb of fire, the very sun in our sky, is big enough and bright enough and eternal enough to warm you, to wrap you, to take away even a drop of the chill. the photo, the words, are unforgettable. and priceless. bless your magnificent sorrow, and your beauty as well. love, a friend

Lorrie said...

This was beautiful. I'm glad I surfed into your blog today!