Friday, February 15, 2008

surrender, swim....part II

I don't know if I should dare write today, this is suppose to be therapy- I don't know if my ranting will help or hurt anyone. I suppose I don't have much control over the outcome- how this writing is taken is entirely up to the reader.
I recieved a letter from the attorneys yesterday. A letter that made me scream. And cry. And cry some more. You see, I have been taken to the cleaners. (And that is what it is, acknowledgemnt. So- all I wanted, at the very least- was to say "yes, ok- I've been screwed, now look me in the eye and take all this from me"-but I don't even get that opportunity...and that plum pisses me off to no end. That's where the tears come from...) I, being the stupid idiotic fool that I am, tried to be fair. Kind. Equitable. And I have tried this before in my life, and the results are always the same. Always. So, yes- I am a bit torn up. But...when I ask myself, "what would you have done differently?" I say, "Maybe not have trusted so much." But at the time, I would have trusted a rock to get me through... "Maybe not have given so much of myself." Yes...I should have kept better score, held back, a stagnant kind of love. Right. Trying to be authentic here, isn't that what the bottom line truly is? I mean, when it all passes away (and away it all passes...)the essential is left there, laying in the dirt maybe...but there it lays, truth. The truth is the stuff that does set us free, but first it whips us until we bleed, and then peels us, and finally, if we're not raw enough... burns away everything else. Yep, been wrestling in the dirt...again. And still, please know...I have been decent, loving and decent, even though it was not warranted...and a simple fool like me still tries to hold on to the belief that certain quotas for anguish and sorrow had been filled...that the universe should just knock this shit off for awhile and be a tiny bit fair. Show a tiny bit of mercy. Oh I am a hopeful fool, too. Still. Truly. On with it...thanks. Take care-

(And then this comes...from Lily, in a card..."even when it's difficult, she does her best to understand..." That kid has toooo much faith in me...Did I mention, no cigarettes for four days? The flu took my nicotine longing clean away...but this morning...ooohhh, I need a freaking cigar. Maybe tonight...with a glass of Blueberry wine from a friend.)


Jan Doble said...

geez, you seem to have a lot going on; 'another life' that you haven't frequently shown before on your blog. are you ok? i hope so...sorry to hear you're dealing with difficult issues. and you are almost always so positive. this just goes to show that YOU are human, like the rest of us...and DESERVE to vent all you need to. i'm here for you...jan

Art-of-Facts said...

Oh True Wonder - I've tasted that bile. Just today I experienced what should have been a blessed win but I left feeling a bit jolted as I thought I could stick it to him. HUMILTY has been the constant door sign that seems to hang over me as I am forever kept from reaching that vengeful satisfaction. It takes me a bit as I gnash my teeth and then I realize that I win in the end. I, too would like for it to be a little less financially taxing (don't always understand) but I don't want to turn my heart. That is not to say that WISDOM is not sought after. Just the other morning, I read, ". . . righteousness and justice is desired by the Lord rather than sacrifice. Keep your heart in front of you but take two giant steps back and tilt your head - KINDNESS is in holding one to accountability as it teaches one truth. Call me if you need.